I’ve made more mistakes than you can count. My greatest defeat had to be losing you. I don’t know what I did wong but I play scenes over and over in my head where I could have done something different.. and I could have been pefect for you. & Maybe, just maybe you’d still love me like I will always love you. What if I never smoked? We would have never faught.. Or what if I never faught her? I might still be living down there. I don’t know. I wish I didn’t care at all because I know I am the last thing on you mind, if I’m even there at all. It’s like you’e engraved into my brain. I haven’t seen you since December and can still remember evey little detail about you. Everything. It eally bothes me when you fiends talk about you & tell me how you have all these girls all over you and that I’m just another one of them. No. Fist of all, I don’t want you, I want who you used to be. Second, those girls didn’t spend all summer with you, they didn’t experience even half he things we did. They don’t know you at all, they fell for you good looks and that douche bag act of yours. But I, I know, or knew you. I fell in love with the way you held and kissed me, all you stupid jokes that were a bit too much at times. When I’d walk to the park when you were playing basketball or football, all sweaty with you hair all pushed back and messed up. & When you’d take forever getting ready on Friday nights and you’d always smell so good. Theynever experienced any of that. None of them compare to me. Except maybe, your most recent. I wonder if you love her.. I think you do. You’e no longer mine in any aspect anymore and it’s killing me. I’m killing me. Can I just get amnesia and forget everything? Because I know I’ll never have you again and I don’t want to remember anymore.
I’m completely pathetic.
I fucking hate myself, I can’t stand this, I can’t stand me. Have you ever looked at yourself and honestly, truly, not recognize the person starring back at you? You look deep into the “reflection“‘s eyes and can’t see anything, not one fucking thing. A blank stare. Have you ever spent all night up tossing and turning, covering your ears, shaking to death, begging your head to stop the screams? To stop the breathing, the footsteps, the locks shaking? Sitting in a room full of people, it still haunts me. I never feel safe. What happened to me? Fear, depression, anxiety, migraines, insomnia, nightmares. What the fuck. Someone, anyone, I’m begging you; make it stop.
I have been thinking about you a lot, as usual. I feel so stupid whenever I talk / think about you because I KNOW I don’t even, so much as, cross your mind every once in a while. Is this honestly what you wanted? You want me to be out of your life forever? So many people have told me that I deserve happiness,that I am beautiful and that I’m a great person. It doesn’t mean shit to me because you don’t think so, you’ve told me countless of times that I’m worthless and used up. You don’t think I’m worth having in your life. That’s all I wanted, that’s fucking it. To say hi every once in a while and ask how you’re doing.. Instead, you deleted me out of your life completely. I’m not good enough. I will never be good enough for anyone no matter what anyone says because you don’t think so. You are all that matters to me. It has been months since I’ve talked to you. Over a year since we broke up. And I am still in the same place I will always be. No matter how hard I try to climb out of this hole, scream for someone to save me, it wont happen. It can’t happen. & The worst part is you don’t care. The only thing I am dreading about moving down south is that I will be so close to you but I wont be able to run into your arms, lay my head on your warm chest, and listen to your steady heartbeat.
Do you remember all the walks to/from/in the park, just walking holding hands, teasing each other? I still know exactly how your hand feels intertwined with mine. I remember we both had clammy hands, and would blame each other for why they got so sweaty. I remember your scent more than anything. Every time we got done hanging out, on the car ride home, I could smell you on my clothes and just smile. Do you remember all the kisses? And how I didn’t want to stop for even a second. I remember one night, on a walk back from the mall; You stopped me and looked into my eyes. I stood on my tippy toes to kiss you once more. You turned your face away and clutched me in your arms so tight and said “Stop! I just want to hold you..”. I remember that moment over any of the others. That night, in that moment, I fell in love with you. How about that night when I came to visit Dom and you came over. I forced you into taking a walk with me because you wouldn’t even look at me, you broke that night. You told me why I couldn’t be in your life, I did everything in my power to fight back tears but you turned me around, and I started balling. You grabbed me and held me in a tight embrace. I wish I could have died right there from either sadness or happiness.
I just miss you so much. I don’t even know what to do with myself.
I can here my dad playing a soft melody on the gutiar, I can feel the pain in every quiet strum. Some small part of me wants to go and comfort him but the thought of that makes me cringe. I don’t love him, I don’t love anyone. Whenever he touches me, even if he rests his hand on my shoulder, I feel like it’s burning into me. When did I stop loving & when did the hate take over? “Forgive and forget” is something I am quite unable to do. All I can do is hate or feel indifferent about something. I’m losing interest in things I used to enjoy doing. I’m becoming something I hate. I hate myself. I have problems I can’t talk about with anyone because of the fear of being rejected. I feel like if everyone knew even 25% of what I thought & how I truly and honestly feel.. everyone would think I’m some sort of freak. In some ways I want to let someone in but everytime anyone gets close enough, I push them back even farther than they were in the first place. I honestly wish I would just fall asleep and not wake up. I don’t think my insomina would let that happen seeing how I can’t sleep more than an hour, if that, at a time. I basically lay there in bed with my eyes shut trying, begging my body to just shut off. To relax, let my tense muscles rest. At night, I can’t fall asleep until I wear myself out. I have to stay up until 2 - 3am laying in my bed shaking, until I am unable to keep my eyes open. Just to sleep for an hour, wake up, and try to fall asleep once again.
There is so much more I’d like to confess, but I wont.
